Buying Gods
"Buying Gods" was first performed in 1997 at the University of Chester
as part of a cabaret review arranged and hosted by David J. Glover.
Walking through the barren place last night,
I saw a man (I know he was a man because he told me so).
I asked him why he was in my barren place.
“Why are you in my barren place ?” I asked.
“I’m selling Gods !” he said
“Sailing Gods ?” I replied mistakenly, “I didn’t even know they floated.”
“No, no, selling Gods”
“Oh!” I said, and then thought for a moment. “Well how much are they ?”
“That all depends on what your looking for, sir.”
“Hmm, I don’t know. Perhaps you could give me some examples. I might like to buy one if I like what I hear.”
“Starting at the cheapest ... it’s a fiver for a small bag of Heathen Deities, ten for a
medium bag and twenty for the superior size, multi worship pack ”
“How many do you get in that ?” I asked with nonchalant interest.
“Says here on the side: “Average contents forty seven.””
“Are they mixed denominations or is it just an assortment of the same culture ?”
“I can do you either, but that’s a fiver extra if I have to split the bags up.”
“What else have you got ?”
“The rest divide up into idles, deities and Humanitarian Theorists. Ten pounds for Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, Nietzsche Jung, Freud. Twenty -five for any Pre-Cold-War Communists, Twenty for post- war. Mao, comes with a free flammable Gang Of Four. Twenty- five for Buddha, Mohammed and Ike.”
“And the deities ?” I asked counting the money in my pocket surreptitiously.
“Just about the same. Fifty for God, God and Jesus, God and the Holy Ghost. The trinity cost One Fifty for the three but you get a free Mary Mother of God, a packet of communion wafers with important Saints’ faces burnt into them and a badge that says “Nietzsche is dead - long live God.”
It’s forty for the Protestant or Catholic version of God .”
“What’s the difference ?”
“Oh, it’s the same God . One s a plain piece of wood and the other is a piece of wood with an action man nailed to it.”
“Gosh...” I exclaimed rather confused by it all. “and which would you recommend ?”
“Do you want a good time now ? or put even money on an eternal afterlife ?”
“Good time now.”
“Personally, I’d have the freudiant-communist—rastapharian worshiping-nazi-gambling-alcoholic - Buddhist -priest, then sir.”
“Ah-haa - the behind the counter stuff.” I whispered knowingly.
“Now you’re getting it.”
“Well I’ll have one of them and a bag of mixed denominations please.”