IN DOG WE TRUST

-or-

WAITING FOR FIDO

A 10 Minute Play

By David J. Glover

Ver: 3 April 2010

© David J. Glover

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SETTING
A grassy hill overlooking an old railway yard. There is a burnt out and rusted old pickup truck.

It is the day of "The Big Change."

TIME
Just about lunch time.

CHARACTERS

• ZEUS

A runty looking, bucktoothed, mongrel scent hound whose momma never seen that old, flee-bitten coon hound sneekin’ up behind her.

• CAESAR

An old, flee-bitten coon hound with bad hearing and worse eye sight.

 

 

NB: The following sources were used in the creation of this play:

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Scene One

 

(In darkness the last verse of “Perfect Day” by The Velvet Underground fades in. Once the vocals of the song have finished DJ BIRD DOG’s cheesy radio voice waxes lyrical as the tune fades out.)

 

DJ BIRD DOG (V.O.)

That was, of course, the Velvet Underground there with “Perfect Day”… This is W.I.P.U.P Sirius XM radio wishing all you dogs out there a “Perfect Day”. We’ve got approximately 10 minutes left for the Big Change comes into effect so why not grab yourself a friend and stick your cold wet nose right up his hiney one last time. If you ain’t with a pouch pal, have a last chance lick of yer crotch or a good scratch, you’ll miss that when it’s gone. I’d like to remind all the listeners of P.U.P radio for the final time that you will not remember being a dog after the Big Change. This is DJ Bird Dog wishing us all a smooth journey to the human side.

 

(“Bird Dog” by The Everly Brothers (1958) plays him out. The lights come up Centre stage(CS)on ZEUS, a runty looking, bucktoothed, mongrel Scent Hound. He is facing away from the audience and is engaged in some intimate “cleaning.”)

 

DJ BIRD DOG (V.O.)(Cont.)

Keep yer tongues and ears inside the car and howl if you wanna go faster.

Yappy trails, ya’ll!

Arrrrroooooooo!

 

(As DJ BIRD DOG’s title tune cross fades to the sound of a train passing in the distance ZEUS takes off a huge pair of oversized headphones, he hears the noise of the train and turns round to look at it.)

ZEUS

(In an slow, Southern, Red-Neck drawl.)

Well ‘s nearly time!

There goes another one.

Chug-a-chug-a-chug.

Tha’s a train right th’r. Off up th’r ina the Whatevers.

Full a humans wit’ th’r waaants, an’ th’r neeeeds an’ th’r desiiiires. All worryin’ ‘bout thems souls and thems stomachs and thems reeelationsheeps and thems pensions and thems children and thems… thems… well all thems other stuff that keeps them wound up as a kitten in an apple sack. Oh yep!

(ZEUS stretches in that luxurious way that only dogs can.)

 

Damn fine time to be a dawg.

I’ll tell you that.

Yes siree.

Damn fine time to be a dog.

(He pants)

 

Chug-a-chug-achug-a.

(Pause. He chuckles, experimenting with the noises he’s making.)

 

Whiirrrr! Buuuuuuuz! Whiirrrr! Clink, truuundl, clink. Whiirr-buzzzz-Chug-a-chug-a-chug-a.

(He chuckles at his own cleverness.)

 

Yup! Fine times. Sun’s getting up. Gonna be a hot day for the Big Change anyway’s. I’ll just sit ‘neath the pickup for a few.

(Without actually getting up be drags himself a few feet into the shade of the old pickup truck)

 

That grass feels nice on ma tummy. Can’t see why I won’t be able t’ still do dat when a’m a human! A wonder what else I’ll still be able t’do? I sure won’t be able to talk directly with the Big Dawg Up Stairs, that’s fo’ sure. Maybe I should just sneak in a quick prayer before the Big Change, just to be on the safe side.

(He prays)

 

Dear Lord Fido “may-all-dawgs-sniff-yer-butt-hole.”

(He contemplates, then…)

Amen!

 

(Every time a dog says the name of the Lord, they follow it quickly with the reverent “may-all-dogs-sniff-his-butt,” or similar)

 

(He chuckles)

 

An’ then Fido “may-all-dogs-sniff-yer-butt” then you jus’ ups an’ springs the end of the world on them humans. Ha, and not one of them knows a dog-damn thing ‘bout it.

(He laughs, then catches himself. He paws the ground with one foot in reverent respect)

 

ZEUS (cont.)

Oh, A’m sorry Lord - I didn’t mean to take yer name in vain just then. ‘Specially not now at this critical moment an’ all, Lord. Lord? You there?

(As the sound of another train leaving the station fades into the distance, ZEUS looks out and notices CAESAR coming up the hill)

 

ZEUS (Cont.)

Aw, Sheet! Here comes ol’ Copper Top. A tell you what, A wuz jus’ gonna sit here on the grass and watch dem trains go by ‘til the Big Change! Now A’m gonna have to listen to that ol’ coot whinin’ like he gone caught him tail in a coon trap. It be the same ol’ stories he been yappin on and on and on about the whole seven years A’ve known ‘im -

(Pause)

 

Seven years…feels like nearer fifty. Sheet! Ain’t no matter.

(He barks)

 

Hey Caesar, up here, yo-ol’-son-of-a-bitch. No, no. Up here to yer left. A’m up by the ol’ pickup

(Under his breath)

 

ya ol’, blind bag-a-wind.

(Louder, to CAESAR)

 

Tha’s it. Now just follow yer nose.

 

ZEUS (Cont.)

(at a normal volume)

Ole Ceaser go more gas ‘an a herd of bean eatin’ steer.

Hey, how ya fixin’ there Ceasar, come on take load off…

 

(CAESAR enters arthritically and flops down in the shade next to ZEUS.)

 

ZEUS (Cont.)

That fella on the radio jus’ said there’s only ten minutes tu the Big Change

(Louder)

 

Ten minutes till the Big Change, A say!

(Louder)

 

A’m sayin’, Caesar, th’rs only ten minutes…

(ZEUS gives in)

 

Aw hell, you deffer ’an a drunk dalmaiton drivin’ a tractor over bubble wrap in a snowstorm.

(To CAESAR, loudly)

 

You hearin’ me?

Hell, ain’t nobody listen’n to anybody right now?

(ZEUS continues talking to CAESAR, at a conversational volume that CAESAR obviously can’t hear.)

 

I was jus’ speakin’ wid Fido “may-all-dogs-sniff-his-butt” before you come up the hill th’r. He didn’ answer nun neidder.

(He thinks about this)

 

He’s probably in the Garden-a-Eden pullin’ his butt across the lawn. A mean, I’d be squeezin’ one out too if I was getting’ rid of all the humans in the world and makin’ all the dogs into new humans. Seem’s like it’s gonna take more effort th’n itid be to get a Chihuahua out of a chili pot. But, ye know, In Dog We Trust.

 

CAESAR

(Opens his one remaining, lazy eye and grunts.)

Hunh!

 

(ZEUS rolls onto his back, legs in the air, a rather large set of testicles droops out from his crotch. He continues unabated)

 

 

ZEUS

A thaught I’d feel more pity for them humans. Pity or compassion or, or somthin’. But I’ve been sittin’ up ‘ere on this hill watchin ‘em pile into dem trains and chug-a chug-a-Whereever…

(He scratches himself absent mindedly)

 

…but A don’ feel nuttin’, Caesar. Any reespect A haed for humans gone flew right out da winda, like…, like a…

(He struggles with this one)

 

like a fly.

Flyin’.

Out a winda!

Hey, that th’r’s kinda poetic. I’d write that one down, if’n a’d any thumbs. Well, won’t have to worry about that in a few. Yes siree. Here comes thumbs for me.

(ZEUS rolls back over on to his belly. He is getting excited.)

 

Hey Caesar, what you looking forward to most?

(Quickly)

 

For me it’s thumbs. I’m looking forward to thumbs. Ye know, opening doors, lettin’ ma self out in tu the yard, peelin’ off the lids ta ma own can’s o’ doggie-chum!

(Long pause)

 

Caesar? What ye think ye gonna miss?

(CAESAR stirs a little, lifts his head then goes back to sleep.)

 

ZEUS

Fur me, it’ll be lickin’ ma nuts. A wuz fixin’ tu chow down on a rack o’ ribs with Ol’ Horus the Sheep dog down behind the bar the other night, an’ he says “we ain’t gonna be able to lick us nutts when we human?” And A says “Get off the couch, really?” He says “Yep. Ye ever seen one of ‘em do it?” An A waz fixen tu think about it, then A nearly choked cause A went’n swallowed a moist towelet or whatever, but then A says “A can’t say A have as A recollect.” An’ he says “’s okay though, ‘cause humans get other humans to lick thems nutts for ‘em.” Ol’ Horus’ seen it right there behind the bar next to the dumpster on a Saturday night. He says it were funnier ‘an watchin’ a retarded, three legged grey hound chase a squirrel up an ice hill. So Ah’m thinkin’ that this human thing might not be so bad after all, seems like on a Saturday night up behind the dumpster you can get dinner and a show. What do think Ole buddy.

 

CAESAR

(Rolling over in the shade.)

Hrrmph!

 

ZEUS

That’s wha’ A thunk y’d think. Them humans sure gone and pissed ole Fido off, “may-he-never-need-a-bath,” this time. Fur sure. Wonder what it must be like to go through life ‘n never know when yer gonna go or what happens to ye when ye do? Guess we’ll find out in 10 minutes time. Sure-n-we-will.

 

CAESAR

(Stirs and clears his throat.)

If the unpleasant and untimely removal from the hearts and minds of the sons and daughters who he created so to cherish and care for all of dawg kind should, in some way, enlighten the rest of us as to the sharpened fangs which lurk beneath the glossy coat of Fido’s love “may-his-nose-remain-for-ever-cold-and-wet,” and inspire us to avoid the piles of ignorance into which man has forever stepped then man’s ignorance of his own demise carries with it an inherent dignity and a supreme, nae, ideal magnanimousness. You say pity humanity; I say, should humanity deserve such remembrance?

(Long pause.)

 

ZEUS

Still- A’m looking forward to them thumbs.

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